The police pick up a con artist trying to pull the old Fountain of Youth scam. The con artist is selling bottles filled with a liquid that he claims slows down the ageing process. The officer tells his partner, “Frank, check his record. I think he has played this game before.”
Frank reports back, “You’re right, he’s got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887, 1921…”
On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone.
Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”
René Descartes was in a house of ill repute when the place was raided. All the ladies managed to flee, but René was caught. It seems no one wanted to put Descartes before the whores.
Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.
The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, “Jimmy, cart her around.”
The janitor who overheard this said “No, but George Bush is.”
The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one … and let the other one off.
Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn’t actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A mentally challenged man jumped off the Paris bridge. He was reported to be in Seine.
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Life’s been a struggle for my family recently. The other day, my wife opened the front door and a steak and kidney pie hit her in the face. Then my daughter opened a cupboard and was struck by a plate of fish and chips. I was lying in bed this morning and a bowl of spaghetti landed on my head. Honestly, we don’t know where the next meal is coming from.
Did you hear about three Hollywood superstars making a film on the great Western composers? There was considerable debate on which star gets which role. Eventually, there was some consensus and Stallone said, “I will be Beethoven.” Tom Cruise said, “I will be Mozart.” At which point, Schwarzenegger spoke up - “I will be Bach.”
A man had a dog. Every night the dog used to shout in his sleep - “I am Bill Gates… I discovered Penicillin… I play the mandolin…” and so on. Despite having such a strange pet, the man always remained unperturbed. After all, he knew that it is always better to let sleeping dogs lie.
A man dreams that he is writing The Lord of the Rings but actually he is only Tolkien in his sleep.
Having been to the Brand Equity Quiz, I thought of writing about a guy and his girlfriend, both of whom were ardent quizzers. They were quite active in the Calcutta quizzing circuit.
Their general knowledge was fantastic. Armed with their GK and love for each other, the couple won every major quiz in Calcutta. This continued for a few years when tragedy struck and the girl died in a bus accident on her way to Digha. The boy was shattered by this tragedy and stopped quizzing altogether.
His friends were upset that he had given up something so dear to him. They wanted him to brush up his GK and start participating in quizzes once again. But every time somebody asked him to do so, he had only one word to say - “Jab dil hi toot gaya, hum GK kya karengey…“
Roy moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room in the apartment. “It’s me or the magazines,” Roy insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Roy left. Like he told his friends, she just had too many issues
A rope walks into a pub. The barman says, “You were in here the other week causing trouble. Go on, get out.”
The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”
“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”
Got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Had to get an even-job man in to finish off.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, every time I see 50 and 25 paise coins, I have a panic attack! What can my problem be?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the doctor answers. “You’re just afraid of change.”
In New York, seven funeral-home directors pleaded guilty to selling body parts to biomedical supply companies. The men’s lawyers got them a good deal — but it cost them an arm and a leg.
My laptop was driving me crazy. “A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel
syndrome.”
An old man goes into a café and asks the waiter if they have any baked beans.
“Yes, of course,” replies the waiter.
“I’ll have two tins on toast, then,” says the pensioner.
The waiter brings the meal over and the old chap happily munches away, downs a cup of tea then trots out into the street.
Less than a minute later, a policeman rushes into the café. “You know that elderly chap who was in here just a second ago?” he says. “I’m afraid he’s collapsed outside
on the pavement and died.”
“I can’t believe it,” says the waiter. “He was full of beans when he left.”
What’s the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
“Why, that’s a difference of a pinion.”
The phone rings in a tourist agency:
“Do you sell tours to Egypt?”
“Yes.”
“What resorts do they have there?”
“Hurgada, Nuveyba, Taba…”
“Fine! Nuveyda’s the one!”
“And when would you like to go there? Can we make your booking?
“Never! We’re trying to finish a crossword!”
They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question. He said, “I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you.
A linguistics professor is teaching her students about grammar in foreign languages.
“In English,” she says, “A double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative.”
Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”
This paper bag is in terrible, unexplained pain, so he goes to see his GP.
The doctor looks into his medical history and runs some tests. “Your condition is incurable, I’m afraid,” he tells him.
“My God, how did I catch it?” says the bag.
“It’s genetic. Sadly, your grandfather was a carrier.”
The owner of a men’s clothing store is very annoyed with a salesman who has not managed to sell a certain suit for a long time. Once, he comes to the store and sees that this particular suit is no longer on display. He asks a new salesman:
“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”
“Oh, I sold it this morning.”
“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”
“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his guide-dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”
When the lights in the cinema dimmed and the opening credits of the film appeared on screen, one of the viewers leaned closer to his neighbour and asked:
“Excuse me, but can you tell me what’s written on the screen?”
“The opening titles…”
“I see…can you tell me the name of the producer? My eyesight isn’t too good…”
“But the translator is reading them over the mike!”
“The thing is, my hearing isn’t what it should be, either. By the way is the film in colour?”
“Do you suffer from Dalton’s disease?”
“As a matter of fact — yes. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t see why you go to the movies, under the circumstances. What pleasure can you get?”
“Pleasure’s got nothing to do with it. I have to write a review!”
“Hamburger and fries,” a man orders.
“Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him.
“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.
“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.
“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the man. “My first was that I’d always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.”
“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”
“My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in their cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the dermatologist asked, confused.
“Sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” one of the surgeons said. “It’s an inside joke.”
Q: What do get when you cross a snake with a rabbit and an amoeba?
A: An adder that can multiply and divide.
In his castle the king had locked a beautiful girl. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags.
Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.
“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.
“The king was right,” the guard said, laughing. “No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.”
Recently, a group of art experts were studying the Mona Lisa. Gradually, one by one, they started sneezing. Some of them had watery eyes and some had a fever. It turned out that they had contracted the mysterious Da Vinci Cold.
After a hard day at work, a circular saw and a belt sander go to their favourite bar. As they’re relaxing, some other power tools join them. The saw turns to the sander and says, “You know the drill, don’t you?”
God is talking to an angel about creating the world. “I just made a 24-hour period,” God explains. “It will be half-light and half-dark, and will keep repeating itself until the end of time.”
“Wow,” says the angel. “What are you going to do next?”
“Well,” God answers, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
A lawyer specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale?
Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in.
What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists?
A: Dummies for Dummies.
We’re told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?
A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick.
Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”
Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous redhead at the next table. He spends ages checking her out, but doesn’t have the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.
“Oh, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops the eye back in. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. They make passionate love. Next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.
The man is amazed. “You are the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
“No thanks,” Saddam said. “I’m a dictator.”
A man walked into his GP’s surgery with a cymbal and some bongo drums on his head.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.
Q: How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and the other 19 to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.
Two TV aerials got married. Apparently, the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was absolutely brilliant.
A medical research group advertised in the paper for volunteers with obsessive-compulsive disorder to take part in a study of their condition.
The response was overwhelming: 300 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
A rabbi, a priest, and a guru walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine, tailored suit.
“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”
“Wow, were you a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.
“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?” he asks.
“We use Windows too,” says Saint Peter. “And the Titanic only crashed once.”
A man goes to see his GP: “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a famous psychoanalyst.”
“I see,” says the doctor. “Tell me about your symptoms.”
“Well, it all started when I was Jung…”
Sorry to hear about the recent passing of Robert Kearns, the man who invented the
intermittent windshield wiper. At his funeral, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Then there was. Then there wasn’t.
A couple of cups of yoghurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind in here,” the bartender says.
“Why not?” one yoghurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
Dr watson was in his local pub. He’d had too much to drink, it was way past closing time and he was getting a bit rowdy.
“Come on,” said the barman. “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”
Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get?
All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.
A golfer was way behind in the championship game when he hit his ball into the rough. Bending to retrieve it, he came face to face with an elf.
“Want some help with your game?” the elf asked.
“That would be great!”
“Okay,” said the elf. “But for every time I help, you’ll lose one year of your sex life.”
The golfer agreed and won the game.
Getting into his car later, he found the elf sitting on his dashboard. “I helped you ten times,” the elf said. “That’s ten years. Now, what’s your name?”
“Father O’Malley.”
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to sur
