My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.
#135 November 13, 2009
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.”
#134 November 13, 2009
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch and … Coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
#133 November 13, 2009
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
#132 November 13, 2009
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had had a party there the previous evening and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked, “Can I use this or are you planning to go somewhere?”
#131 October 3, 2009
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. “What do you call that?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,”
says the guy. “Because he’s my newt.”
#130 October 3, 2009
Following months of trials, finally a scientist successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled, he was beside himself.
#129 September 27, 2009
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
#128 September 27, 2009
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s plaster cast.
#126 July 7, 2009
Two old women were standing in front of me at the bus stop when a very scruffy teenager strolled past. One lady turned to the other and said. “That’s Nigel. I overheard his mum saying that he was taking up hang-gliding.”
“Good God,” replied her companion. “The birds will think the scarecrows are coming up after them.”
#125 July 7, 2009
A customer at our bookstore asked me, “Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play.”
#124 July 7, 2009
Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
#123 May 17, 2009
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “Coping with darkness”.
#122 May 17, 2009
A rich woman calls her butler to the bedroom. “Jenkins,” she says in a low voice. “Take off my dress”.
Jenkins takes off her dress.
“And my stockings”.
Jenkins takes them off too.
“And my underwear”.
Jenkins removes her underwear.
“Now Jenkins,” says the woman.
“If I catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired”.
#121 May 13, 2009
When I go to West Africa I’m Ghana make sure Togo to Mali and then I can say I’ve Benin Timbuktu.
#119 April 3, 2009
Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
#118 April 3, 2009
Our mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look—death row.”
#117 April 3, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
#116 April 3, 2009
Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks: The Origami Bank has folded, and we hear the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
#115 February 12, 2009
How many tech-support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you tried turning it off and then turning it on again?
#114 February 12, 2009
How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty-one—one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.
#113 November 21, 2008
It was 3am in the morning when a man was woken up by a knock at the door. “I’m sorry to bother you, but could you give me a push?” said a stranger. “No way at this time,” the man snarled, shutting the door and returning to bed.
“How rude of you,” his wife admonished him. “Don’t you remember the night our car broke down in pouring rain and a stranger helped push us? What if he had told us to go away!”
Shamed, the man went outside and called, “Hey, do you still want a push?” From the darkness, a voice responded, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” yelled the man. “Over here, on the swing,” came the reply.
#112 November 21, 2008
Bob works at a nuclear power station and usually has sandwiches for lunch. As a special treat, however, he brings potatoes to work, cooks them in the reactor and enjoys a delicious meal of fission chips.
#111 (touchwood) October 5, 2008
So after hearing about Chandrayaan, I wanted to be a space tourist to the Moon.
My hopes were quashed when I went to ISRO – they said, “Sorry ma’am, but the moon’s full”.
#109 October 4, 2008
“I have CDO,” said a man. “It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.”
#108 October 3, 2008
There’s this guy who’s just recovered from scarlet fever. He is now in the pink of health.
#107 August 31, 2008
A man walks into the street and hails a taxi that is just passing by.
“Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?” asks the cabbie.
“Frank Fielding. He’s a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and you should have seen him dance.”
“Sounds like quite a guy,” says the driver.
“That’s not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which dishes to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.”
“Wow, what a man.”
“He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No one could ever measure up to Frank.”
“Amazing. How did you meet him?”
“Oh, I never met Frank.”
“So how do you know so much about him?”
“I married his lousy widow.”
#106 August 17, 2008
The police pick up a con artist trying to pull the old Fountain of Youth scam. The con artist is selling bottles filled with a liquid that he claims slows down the ageing process. The officer tells his partner, “Frank, check his record. I think he has played this game before.”
Frank reports back, “You’re right, he’s got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887, 1921…”
#105 July 6, 2008
On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone.
Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”
#103 June 25, 2008
René Descartes was in a house of ill repute when the place was raided. All the ladies managed to flee, but René was caught. It seems no one wanted to put Descartes before the whores.
#102 June 24, 2008
Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.
The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, “Jimmy, cart her around.”
The janitor who overheard this said “No, but George Bush is.”
#101 June 24, 2008
The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one … and let the other one off.
#100 June 24, 2008
Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn’t actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.
#96 June 12, 2008
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
#95 June 12, 2008
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”
#94 June 12, 2008
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
#92 June 12, 2008
A mentally challenged man jumped off the Paris bridge. He was reported to be in Seine.
#90 June 12, 2008
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
#86 June 4, 2008
Life’s been a struggle for my family recently. The other day, my wife opened the front door and a steak and kidney pie hit her in the face. Then my daughter opened a cupboard and was struck by a plate of fish and chips. I was lying in bed this morning and a bowl of spaghetti landed on my head. Honestly, we don’t know where the next meal is coming from.
#85 June 4, 2008
Did you hear about three Hollywood superstars making a film on the great Western composers? There was considerable debate on which star gets which role. Eventually, there was some consensus and Stallone said, “I will be Beethoven.” Tom Cruise said, “I will be Mozart.” At which point, Schwarzenegger spoke up – “I will be Bach.”
#84 June 3, 2008
A man had a dog. Every night the dog used to shout in his sleep – “I am Bill Gates… I discovered Penicillin… I play the mandolin…” and so on. Despite having such a strange pet, the man always remained unperturbed. After all, he knew that it is always better to let sleeping dogs lie.
#83 June 3, 2008
A man dreams that he is writing The Lord of the Rings but actually he is only Tolkien in his sleep.
#82 June 3, 2008
Having been to the Brand Equity Quiz, I thought of writing about a guy and his girlfriend, both of whom were ardent quizzers. They were quite active in the Calcutta quizzing circuit.
Their general knowledge was fantastic. Armed with their GK and love for each other, the couple won every major quiz in Calcutta. This continued for a few years when tragedy struck and the girl died in a bus accident on her way to Digha. The boy was shattered by this tragedy and stopped quizzing altogether.
His friends were upset that he had given up something so dear to him. They wanted him to brush up his GK and start participating in quizzes once again. But every time somebody asked him to do so, he had only one word to say – “Jab dil hi toot gaya, hum GK kya karengey…“
#79 June 2, 2008
Roy moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room in the apartment. “It’s me or the magazines,” Roy insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Roy left. Like he told his friends, she just had too many issues
#78 June 2, 2008
A rope walks into a pub. The barman says, “You were in here the other week causing trouble. Go on, get out.”
The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”
“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”
#77 June 2, 2008
Got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Had to get an even-job man in to finish off.
#76 June 2, 2008
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, every time I see 50 and 25 paise coins, I have a panic attack! What can my problem be?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the doctor answers. “You’re just afraid of change.”
#74 June 2, 2008
In New York, seven funeral-home directors pleaded guilty to selling body parts to biomedical supply companies. The men’s lawyers got them a good deal — but it cost them an arm and a leg.
#73 June 2, 2008
My laptop was driving me crazy. “A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel
syndrome.”
#71 June 2, 2008
An old man goes into a café and asks the waiter if they have any baked beans.
“Yes, of course,” replies the waiter.
“I’ll have two tins on toast, then,” says the pensioner.
The waiter brings the meal over and the old chap happily munches away, downs a cup of tea then trots out into the street.
Less than a minute later, a policeman rushes into the café. “You know that elderly chap who was in here just a second ago?” he says. “I’m afraid he’s collapsed outside
on the pavement and died.”
“I can’t believe it,” says the waiter. “He was full of beans when he left.”
#70 June 2, 2008
What’s the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
“Why, that’s a difference of a pinion.”
#69 June 2, 2008
The phone rings in a tourist agency:
“Do you sell tours to Egypt?”
“Yes.”
“What resorts do they have there?”
“Hurgada, Nuveyba, Taba…”
“Fine! Nuveyda’s the one!”
“And when would you like to go there? Can we make your booking?
“Never! We’re trying to finish a crossword!”
#68 June 2, 2008
They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question. He said, “I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you.
#67 June 2, 2008
A linguistics professor is teaching her students about grammar in foreign languages.
“In English,” she says, “A double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative.”
Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”
#66 June 2, 2008
This paper bag is in terrible, unexplained pain, so he goes to see his GP.
The doctor looks into his medical history and runs some tests. “Your condition is incurable, I’m afraid,” he tells him.
“My God, how did I catch it?” says the bag.
“It’s genetic. Sadly, your grandfather was a carrier.”
#65 June 2, 2008
The owner of a men’s clothing store is very annoyed with a salesman who has not managed to sell a certain suit for a long time. Once, he comes to the store and sees that this particular suit is no longer on display. He asks a new salesman:
“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”
“Oh, I sold it this morning.”
“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”
“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his guide-dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”
#64 June 2, 2008
When the lights in the cinema dimmed and the opening credits of the film appeared on screen, one of the viewers leaned closer to his neighbour and asked:
“Excuse me, but can you tell me what’s written on the screen?”
“The opening titles…”
“I see…can you tell me the name of the producer? My eyesight isn’t too good…”
“But the translator is reading them over the mike!”
“The thing is, my hearing isn’t what it should be, either. By the way is the film in colour?”
“Do you suffer from Dalton’s disease?”
“As a matter of fact — yes. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t see why you go to the movies, under the circumstances. What pleasure can you get?”
“Pleasure’s got nothing to do with it. I have to write a review!”
#63 June 2, 2008
“Hamburger and fries,” a man orders.
“Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him.
“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.
“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.
“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the man. “My first was that I’d always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.”
“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”
“My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
#62 June 2, 2008
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in their cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the dermatologist asked, confused.
“Sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” one of the surgeons said. “It’s an inside joke.”
#59 June 2, 2008
Q: What do get when you cross a snake with a rabbit and an amoeba?
A: An adder that can multiply and divide.
#58 June 2, 2008
In his castle the king had locked a beautiful girl. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags.
Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.
“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.
“The king was right,” the guard said, laughing. “No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.”
#57 June 2, 2008
Recently, a group of art experts were studying the Mona Lisa. Gradually, one by one, they started sneezing. Some of them had watery eyes and some had a fever. It turned out that they had contracted the mysterious Da Vinci Cold.
#56 June 2, 2008
After a hard day at work, a circular saw and a belt sander go to their favourite bar. As they’re relaxing, some other power tools join them. The saw turns to the sander and says, “You know the drill, don’t you?”
#55 June 2, 2008
God is talking to an angel about creating the world. “I just made a 24-hour period,” God explains. “It will be half-light and half-dark, and will keep repeating itself until the end of time.”
“Wow,” says the angel. “What are you going to do next?”
“Well,” God answers, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
#54 June 1, 2008
A lawyer specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
#53 June 1, 2008
Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale?
Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
#52 June 1, 2008
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in.
#49 June 1, 2008
What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists?
A: Dummies for Dummies.
#48 June 1, 2008
We’re told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?
#47 June 1, 2008
A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick.
Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”
#46 June 1, 2008
Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous redhead at the next table. He spends ages checking her out, but doesn’t have the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.
“Oh, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops the eye back in. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. They make passionate love. Next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.
The man is amazed. “You are the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
#45 June 1, 2008
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
“No thanks,” Saddam said. “I’m a dictator.”
#44 June 1, 2008
A man walked into his GP’s surgery with a cymbal and some bongo drums on his head.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”
#43 June 1, 2008
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.
#42 June 1, 2008
Q: How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and the other 19 to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.
#41 June 1, 2008
Two TV aerials got married. Apparently, the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was absolutely brilliant.
#40 June 1, 2008
A medical research group advertised in the paper for volunteers with obsessive-compulsive disorder to take part in a study of their condition.
The response was overwhelming: 300 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
#39 June 1, 2008
A rabbi, a priest, and a guru walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
#38 June 1, 2008
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine, tailored suit.
“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”
“Wow, were you a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.
“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?” he asks.
“We use Windows too,” says Saint Peter. “And the Titanic only crashed once.”
#37 June 1, 2008
A man goes to see his GP: “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a famous psychoanalyst.”
“I see,” says the doctor. “Tell me about your symptoms.”
“Well, it all started when I was Jung…”
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