A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. “What do you call that?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,”
says the guy. “Because he’s my newt.”
#131 October 3, 2009
#94 June 12, 2008
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
#84 June 3, 2008
A man had a dog. Every night the dog used to shout in his sleep – “I am Bill Gates… I discovered Penicillin… I play the mandolin…” and so on. Despite having such a strange pet, the man always remained unperturbed. After all, he knew that it is always better to let sleeping dogs lie.
#70 June 2, 2008
What’s the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
“Why, that’s a difference of a pinion.”
#65 June 2, 2008
The owner of a men’s clothing store is very annoyed with a salesman who has not managed to sell a certain suit for a long time. Once, he comes to the store and sees that this particular suit is no longer on display. He asks a new salesman:
“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”
“Oh, I sold it this morning.”
“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”
“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his guide-dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”
#63 June 2, 2008
“Hamburger and fries,” a man orders.
“Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him.
“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.
“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.
“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the man. “My first was that I’d always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.”
“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”
“My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
#59 June 2, 2008
Q: What do get when you cross a snake with a rabbit and an amoeba?
A: An adder that can multiply and divide.
#47 June 1, 2008
A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick.
Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”
#43 June 1, 2008
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.
#24 May 31, 2008
Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bust?
Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.
#21 May 31, 2008
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
#9 May 31, 2008
A truck driver wants to drive across a river, but half way the truck sinks together with its load. The unfortunate driver swims to the shore and scratches his beard. “I don’t get it. How could we have sunk when the water only comes up to a duck’s breast.”
#2 May 31, 2008
An orangutan in the zoo has two books—the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. He’s trying to figure out if he’s his brother’s keeper—or his keeper’s brother.
In a reader
