Two old women were standing in front of me at the bus stop when a very scruffy teenager strolled past. One lady turned to the other and said. “That’s Nigel. I overheard his mum saying that he was taking up hang-gliding.”
“Good God,” replied her companion. “The birds will think the scarecrows are coming up after them.”
#126 July 7, 2009
#125 July 7, 2009
A customer at our bookstore asked me, “Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play.”
#118 April 3, 2009
Our mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look—death row.”
#113 November 21, 2008
It was 3am in the morning when a man was woken up by a knock at the door. “I’m sorry to bother you, but could you give me a push?” said a stranger. “No way at this time,” the man snarled, shutting the door and returning to bed.
“How rude of you,” his wife admonished him. “Don’t you remember the night our car broke down in pouring rain and a stranger helped push us? What if he had told us to go away!”
Shamed, the man went outside and called, “Hey, do you still want a push?” From the darkness, a voice responded, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” yelled the man. “Over here, on the swing,” came the reply.
#107 August 31, 2008
A man walks into the street and hails a taxi that is just passing by.
“Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?” asks the cabbie.
“Frank Fielding. He’s a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and you should have seen him dance.”
“Sounds like quite a guy,” says the driver.
“That’s not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which dishes to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.”
“Wow, what a man.”
“He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No one could ever measure up to Frank.”
“Amazing. How did you meet him?”
“Oh, I never met Frank.”
“So how do you know so much about him?”
“I married his lousy widow.”
#106 August 17, 2008
The police pick up a con artist trying to pull the old Fountain of Youth scam. The con artist is selling bottles filled with a liquid that he claims slows down the ageing process. The officer tells his partner, “Frank, check his record. I think he has played this game before.”
Frank reports back, “You’re right, he’s got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887, 1921…”
#105 July 6, 2008
On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone.
Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”
#69 June 2, 2008
The phone rings in a tourist agency:
“Do you sell tours to Egypt?”
“Yes.”
“What resorts do they have there?”
“Hurgada, Nuveyba, Taba…”
“Fine! Nuveyda’s the one!”
“And when would you like to go there? Can we make your booking?
“Never! We’re trying to finish a crossword!”
#64 June 2, 2008
When the lights in the cinema dimmed and the opening credits of the film appeared on screen, one of the viewers leaned closer to his neighbour and asked:
“Excuse me, but can you tell me what’s written on the screen?”
“The opening titles…”
“I see…can you tell me the name of the producer? My eyesight isn’t too good…”
“But the translator is reading them over the mike!”
“The thing is, my hearing isn’t what it should be, either. By the way is the film in colour?”
“Do you suffer from Dalton’s disease?”
“As a matter of fact — yes. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t see why you go to the movies, under the circumstances. What pleasure can you get?”
“Pleasure’s got nothing to do with it. I have to write a review!”
#26 May 31, 2008
Two men walking home from a party decide to take a short-cut through the graveyard.
Halfway through, they are startled to hear a tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Shaking with fear, they are relieved to find an old man with a chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“You scared us half to death, mate,” said one of the men. “We thought you were a ghost. What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They spelt my name wrong.”
In a reader
