A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. “What do you call that?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,”
says the guy. “Because he’s my newt.”
#131 October 3, 2009
#130 October 3, 2009
Following months of trials, finally a scientist successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled, he was beside himself.
#129 September 27, 2009
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
#128 September 27, 2009
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s plaster cast.
#124 July 7, 2009
Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
#119 April 3, 2009
Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
#117 April 3, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
#109 October 4, 2008
“I have CDO,” said a man. “It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.”
#108 October 3, 2008
There’s this guy who’s just recovered from scarlet fever. He is now in the pink of health.
#92 June 12, 2008
A mentally challenged man jumped off the Paris bridge. He was reported to be in Seine.
#90 June 12, 2008
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
#83 June 3, 2008
A man dreams that he is writing The Lord of the Rings but actually he is only Tolkien in his sleep.
#70 June 2, 2008
What’s the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
“Why, that’s a difference of a pinion.”
#68 June 2, 2008
They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question. He said, “I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you.
#54 June 1, 2008
A lawyer specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
#53 June 1, 2008
Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale?
Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
#44 June 1, 2008
A man walked into his GP’s surgery with a cymbal and some bongo drums on his head.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”
#41 June 1, 2008
Two TV aerials got married. Apparently, the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was absolutely brilliant.
#34 May 31, 2008
A couple of cups of yoghurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind in here,” the bartender says.
“Why not?” one yoghurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
#28 May 31, 2008
I went to the butcher’s shop the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
#24 May 31, 2008
Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bust?
Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.
#21 May 31, 2008
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
#20 May 31, 2008
The Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
#13 May 31, 2008
Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said Alleged Killer Whale.
#4 May 31, 2008
Did you know goldfish don’t like to watch television? Yeah, they’re afraid they might get hooked.
#2 May 31, 2008
An orangutan in the zoo has two books—the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. He’s trying to figure out if he’s his brother’s keeper—or his keeper’s brother.
In a reader
