A rich woman calls her butler to the bedroom. “Jenkins,” she says in a low voice. “Take off my dress”.
Jenkins takes off her dress.
“And my stockings”.
Jenkins takes them off too.
“And my underwear”.
Jenkins removes her underwear.
“Now Jenkins,” says the woman.
“If I catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired”.
#122 May 17, 2009
#119 April 3, 2009
Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
#117 April 3, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
#109 October 4, 2008
“I have CDO,” said a man. “It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.”
#103 June 25, 2008
René Descartes was in a house of ill repute when the place was raided. All the ladies managed to flee, but René was caught. It seems no one wanted to put Descartes before the whores.
#102 June 24, 2008
Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.
The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, “Jimmy, cart her around.”
The janitor who overheard this said “No, but George Bush is.”
#90 June 12, 2008
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
#85 June 4, 2008
Did you hear about three Hollywood superstars making a film on the great Western composers? There was considerable debate on which star gets which role. Eventually, there was some consensus and Stallone said, “I will be Beethoven.” Tom Cruise said, “I will be Mozart.” At which point, Schwarzenegger spoke up – “I will be Bach.”
#83 June 3, 2008
A man dreams that he is writing The Lord of the Rings but actually he is only Tolkien in his sleep.
#74 June 2, 2008
In New York, seven funeral-home directors pleaded guilty to selling body parts to biomedical supply companies. The men’s lawyers got them a good deal — but it cost them an arm and a leg.
#57 June 2, 2008
Recently, a group of art experts were studying the Mona Lisa. Gradually, one by one, they started sneezing. Some of them had watery eyes and some had a fever. It turned out that they had contracted the mysterious Da Vinci Cold.
#48 June 1, 2008
We’re told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?
#45 June 1, 2008
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
“No thanks,” Saddam said. “I’m a dictator.”
#38 June 1, 2008
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine, tailored suit.
“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”
“Wow, were you a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.
“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?” he asks.
“We use Windows too,” says Saint Peter. “And the Titanic only crashed once.”
#37 June 1, 2008
A man goes to see his GP: “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a famous psychoanalyst.”
“I see,” says the doctor. “Tell me about your symptoms.”
“Well, it all started when I was Jung…”
#33 May 31, 2008
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
#32 May 31, 2008
Dr watson was in his local pub. He’d had too much to drink, it was way past closing time and he was getting a bit rowdy.
“Come on,” said the barman. “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”
#7 May 31, 2008
While walking down the street Moses bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?”
Moses took one look at the President, turned and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again, he tried to initiate a conversation.
Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”
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