As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.”
#134 November 13, 2009
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch and … Coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
#130 October 3, 2009
Following months of trials, finally a scientist successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled, he was beside himself.
#124 July 7, 2009
Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
#123 May 17, 2009
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “Coping with darkness”.
#117 April 3, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
#115 February 12, 2009
How many tech-support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you tried turning it off and then turning it on again?
#108 October 3, 2008
There’s this guy who’s just recovered from scarlet fever. He is now in the pink of health.
#106 August 17, 2008
The police pick up a con artist trying to pull the old Fountain of Youth scam. The con artist is selling bottles filled with a liquid that he claims slows down the ageing process. The officer tells his partner, “Frank, check his record. I think he has played this game before.”
Frank reports back, “You’re right, he’s got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887, 1921…”
#96 June 12, 2008
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
#95 June 12, 2008
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”
#90 June 12, 2008
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
#78 June 2, 2008
A rope walks into a pub. The barman says, “You were in here the other week causing trouble. Go on, get out.”
The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”
“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”
#76 June 2, 2008
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, every time I see 50 and 25 paise coins, I have a panic attack! What can my problem be?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the doctor answers. “You’re just afraid of change.”
#66 June 2, 2008
This paper bag is in terrible, unexplained pain, so he goes to see his GP.
The doctor looks into his medical history and runs some tests. “Your condition is incurable, I’m afraid,” he tells him.
“My God, how did I catch it?” says the bag.
“It’s genetic. Sadly, your grandfather was a carrier.”
#62 June 2, 2008
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in their cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the dermatologist asked, confused.
“Sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” one of the surgeons said. “It’s an inside joke.”
#54 June 1, 2008
A lawyer specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
#44 June 1, 2008
A man walked into his GP’s surgery with a cymbal and some bongo drums on his head.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”
#40 June 1, 2008
A medical research group advertised in the paper for volunteers with obsessive-compulsive disorder to take part in a study of their condition.
The response was overwhelming: 300 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
#37 June 1, 2008
A man goes to see his GP: “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a famous psychoanalyst.”
“I see,” says the doctor. “Tell me about your symptoms.”
“Well, it all started when I was Jung…”
#36 June 1, 2008
Sorry to hear about the recent passing of Robert Kearns, the man who invented the
intermittent windshield wiper. At his funeral, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Then there was. Then there wasn’t.
#31 May 31, 2008
Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get?
All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.
#19 May 31, 2008
At a London bar, two men are sitting next to each other.
“I was listening to you speak,” says one, “and I can’t help thinking, are you from Devon?”
“Yes, I am!” says the other proudly.
“So am I!” says the first man. “Where in Devon are you from?”
“Barnstaple.”
“Me too! Which street?”
“Stanley Avenue.”
“My God, it’s a small world,” says the first man. “That’s where I grew up. Which school did you go to?”
“St Mary’s Grammar, of course,” says his companion.
“I left in 1968.”
“The good Lord must be smiling down upon us. I went to St Mary’s and left in 1968, too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight?”
Just then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer. The barman walks over, shaking his head.
“It’s going to be a long night,” he says. “The Hodgkins twins are drunk again.”
#17 May 31, 2008
Did you hear about the doctor who went on a ski trip and got lost on the slopes? He stamped out “help” in the snow, but nobody could read his writing.
#14 May 31, 2008
A woman held a séance in hopes of getting in touch with her late husband who, during his life, had been a waiter in a big swanky restaurant. The candles were lit and the room was silent. The medium went into a trance, and soon the table began to make knocking sounds. “Phil,” she cried, “is that you? Speak to me.”
“I can’t,” said a ghostly voice. “It’s not my table.”
#13 May 31, 2008
Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said Alleged Killer Whale.
In a reader
