#134 November 13, 2009

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch and … Coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

#117 April 3, 2009

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

#95 June 12, 2008

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”

#78 June 2, 2008

A rope walks into a pub. The barman says, “You were in here the other week causing trouble. Go on, get out.”

The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”

“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

#19 May 31, 2008

At a London bar, two men are sitting next to each other.
“I was listening to you speak,” says one, “and I can’t help thinking, are you from Devon?”
“Yes, I am!” says the other proudly.
“So am I!” says the first man. “Where in Devon are you from?”
“Barnstaple.”
“Me too! Which street?”
“Stanley Avenue.”
“My God, it’s a small world,” says the first man. “That’s where I grew up. Which school did you go to?”
“St Mary’s Grammar, of course,” says his companion.
“I left in 1968.”
“The good Lord must be smiling down upon us. I went to St Mary’s and left in 1968, too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight?”
Just then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer. The barman walks over, shaking his head.
“It’s going to be a long night,” he says. “The Hodgkins twins are drunk again.”