A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. “What do you call that?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,”
says the guy. “Because he’s my newt.”
#131 October 3, 2009
#130 October 3, 2009
Following months of trials, finally a scientist successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled, he was beside himself.
#129 September 27, 2009
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
#124 July 7, 2009
Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
#119 April 3, 2009
Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
#118 April 3, 2009
Our mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look—death row.”
#117 April 3, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
#116 April 3, 2009
Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks: The Origami Bank has folded, and we hear the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
#112 November 21, 2008
Bob works at a nuclear power station and usually has sandwiches for lunch. As a special treat, however, he brings potatoes to work, cooks them in the reactor and enjoys a delicious meal of fission chips.
#111 (touchwood) October 5, 2008
So after hearing about Chandrayaan, I wanted to be a space tourist to the Moon.
My hopes were quashed when I went to ISRO – they said, “Sorry ma’am, but the moon’s full”.
#108 October 3, 2008
There’s this guy who’s just recovered from scarlet fever. He is now in the pink of health.
#103 June 25, 2008
René Descartes was in a house of ill repute when the place was raided. All the ladies managed to flee, but René was caught. It seems no one wanted to put Descartes before the whores.
#102 June 24, 2008
Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.
The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, “Jimmy, cart her around.”
The janitor who overheard this said “No, but George Bush is.”
#101 June 24, 2008
The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one … and let the other one off.
#100 June 24, 2008
Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn’t actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.
#96 June 12, 2008
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
#94 June 12, 2008
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
#92 June 12, 2008
A mentally challenged man jumped off the Paris bridge. He was reported to be in Seine.
#90 June 12, 2008
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal… he wanted to transcend dental medication.
#86 June 4, 2008
Life’s been a struggle for my family recently. The other day, my wife opened the front door and a steak and kidney pie hit her in the face. Then my daughter opened a cupboard and was struck by a plate of fish and chips. I was lying in bed this morning and a bowl of spaghetti landed on my head. Honestly, we don’t know where the next meal is coming from.
#85 June 4, 2008
Did you hear about three Hollywood superstars making a film on the great Western composers? There was considerable debate on which star gets which role. Eventually, there was some consensus and Stallone said, “I will be Beethoven.” Tom Cruise said, “I will be Mozart.” At which point, Schwarzenegger spoke up – “I will be Bach.”
#84 June 3, 2008
A man had a dog. Every night the dog used to shout in his sleep – “I am Bill Gates… I discovered Penicillin… I play the mandolin…” and so on. Despite having such a strange pet, the man always remained unperturbed. After all, he knew that it is always better to let sleeping dogs lie.
#83 June 3, 2008
A man dreams that he is writing The Lord of the Rings but actually he is only Tolkien in his sleep.
#82 June 3, 2008
Having been to the Brand Equity Quiz, I thought of writing about a guy and his girlfriend, both of whom were ardent quizzers. They were quite active in the Calcutta quizzing circuit.
Their general knowledge was fantastic. Armed with their GK and love for each other, the couple won every major quiz in Calcutta. This continued for a few years when tragedy struck and the girl died in a bus accident on her way to Digha. The boy was shattered by this tragedy and stopped quizzing altogether.
His friends were upset that he had given up something so dear to him. They wanted him to brush up his GK and start participating in quizzes once again. But every time somebody asked him to do so, he had only one word to say – “Jab dil hi toot gaya, hum GK kya karengey…“
#79 June 2, 2008
Roy moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room in the apartment. “It’s me or the magazines,” Roy insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Roy left. Like he told his friends, she just had too many issues
#78 June 2, 2008
A rope walks into a pub. The barman says, “You were in here the other week causing trouble. Go on, get out.”
The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”
“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”
#76 June 2, 2008
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, every time I see 50 and 25 paise coins, I have a panic attack! What can my problem be?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the doctor answers. “You’re just afraid of change.”
#73 June 2, 2008
My laptop was driving me crazy. “A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel
syndrome.”
#71 June 2, 2008
An old man goes into a café and asks the waiter if they have any baked beans.
“Yes, of course,” replies the waiter.
“I’ll have two tins on toast, then,” says the pensioner.
The waiter brings the meal over and the old chap happily munches away, downs a cup of tea then trots out into the street.
Less than a minute later, a policeman rushes into the café. “You know that elderly chap who was in here just a second ago?” he says. “I’m afraid he’s collapsed outside
on the pavement and died.”
“I can’t believe it,” says the waiter. “He was full of beans when he left.”
#70 June 2, 2008
What’s the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
“Why, that’s a difference of a pinion.”
#68 June 2, 2008
They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question. He said, “I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you.
#66 June 2, 2008
This paper bag is in terrible, unexplained pain, so he goes to see his GP.
The doctor looks into his medical history and runs some tests. “Your condition is incurable, I’m afraid,” he tells him.
“My God, how did I catch it?” says the bag.
“It’s genetic. Sadly, your grandfather was a carrier.”
#62 June 2, 2008
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in their cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the dermatologist asked, confused.
“Sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” one of the surgeons said. “It’s an inside joke.”
#58 June 2, 2008
In his castle the king had locked a beautiful girl. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags.
Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.
“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.
“The king was right,” the guard said, laughing. “No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.”
#57 June 2, 2008
Recently, a group of art experts were studying the Mona Lisa. Gradually, one by one, they started sneezing. Some of them had watery eyes and some had a fever. It turned out that they had contracted the mysterious Da Vinci Cold.
#56 June 2, 2008
After a hard day at work, a circular saw and a belt sander go to their favourite bar. As they’re relaxing, some other power tools join them. The saw turns to the sander and says, “You know the drill, don’t you?”
#55 June 2, 2008
God is talking to an angel about creating the world. “I just made a 24-hour period,” God explains. “It will be half-light and half-dark, and will keep repeating itself until the end of time.”
“Wow,” says the angel. “What are you going to do next?”
“Well,” God answers, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
#54 June 1, 2008
A lawyer specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
#53 June 1, 2008
Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale?
Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
#46 June 1, 2008
Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous redhead at the next table. He spends ages checking her out, but doesn’t have the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.
“Oh, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops the eye back in. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. They make passionate love. Next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.
The man is amazed. “You are the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
#45 June 1, 2008
Saddam Hussein decided that he wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.
The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.
“No thanks,” Saddam said. “I’m a dictator.”
#44 June 1, 2008
A man walked into his GP’s surgery with a cymbal and some bongo drums on his head.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”
#43 June 1, 2008
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.
#41 June 1, 2008
Two TV aerials got married. Apparently, the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was absolutely brilliant.
#34 May 31, 2008
A couple of cups of yoghurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind in here,” the bartender says.
“Why not?” one yoghurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
#33 May 31, 2008
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
#32 May 31, 2008
Dr watson was in his local pub. He’d had too much to drink, it was way past closing time and he was getting a bit rowdy.
“Come on,” said the barman. “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”
#29 May 31, 2008
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”
#28 May 31, 2008
I went to the butcher’s shop the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
#24 May 31, 2008
Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bust?
Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.
#23 May 31, 2008
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?”
#22 May 31, 2008
The census taker introduced himself to a woman who was working in her yard and asked if he could interview her. She agreed to be interviewed and led the man inside. He started with a few demographic questions, and then moved on to her family. “So, how many children do you and your husband have?” he asked. “Four. Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.” “What?” the census taker replied, amused. “Why’d you name your fourth child George?” “Because we didn’t want any Moe.”
#20 May 31, 2008
The Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
#16 May 31, 2008
Q. Why do ghouls and demons get on so well?
A. Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
#12 May 31, 2008
My wife was in labour with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.
“She’s having contractions, silly.”
#8 May 31, 2008
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a man assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. “That’s so clever,” the woman gasps. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” replies the man. “These are my khakis.”
#4 May 31, 2008
Did you know goldfish don’t like to watch television? Yeah, they’re afraid they might get hooked.
#3 May 31, 2008
Visiting France on a wine-tasting trip, a woman drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
#2 May 31, 2008
An orangutan in the zoo has two books—the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. He’s trying to figure out if he’s his brother’s keeper—or his keeper’s brother.
In a reader
