Jokes.

A collection of jokes.

#134 November 13, 2009

Filed under: animals,Bars and Bartenders,professions,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 9:17 pm
Tags:

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch and … Coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

 

#129 September 27, 2009

Filed under: illnesses,one-liners,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 7:08 am
Tags: , ,

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

 

#128

Filed under: one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 7:03 am
Tags: ,

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s plaster cast.

 

#127 July 7, 2009

Filed under: music,professions,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 12:29 pm
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Q. Why are tenors like pirates?
A. They’re both murder on the high C’s.

 

#124

Filed under: one-liners,professions,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 12:06 pm
Tags: ,

Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

 

#116 April 3, 2009

Filed under: pun,travel,wordplay — wanderlust @ 9:21 am
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Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks: The Origami Bank has folded, and we hear the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where workers fear they may get a raw deal.

 

#108 October 3, 2008

Filed under: Doctors,illnesses,one-liners,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 6:38 am
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There’s this guy who’s just recovered from scarlet fever. He is now in the pink of health.

 

#104 June 25, 2008

Filed under: one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 7:54 pm

Mary had a little lamb… and then she had some dessert.

 

#95 June 12, 2008

Filed under: Bars and Bartenders,Doctors,wordplay — wanderlust @ 6:45 am

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”

 

#91

Filed under: one-liners,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 6:34 am
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He said I was average… how mean!

 

#80 June 2, 2008

Filed under: one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 12:17 pm

My friend Sid has started calling himself S.

He’s had to. Someone stole his ID.

 

#77

Filed under: wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:58 am
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Got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

Had to get an even-job man in to finish off.

 

#73

Filed under: pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:50 am

My laptop was driving me crazy. “A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.

She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel
syndrome.”

 

#67

Filed under: wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:37 am
Tags: ,

A linguistics professor is teaching her students about grammar in foreign languages.
“In English,” she says, “A double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative.”

Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”

 

#60

Filed under: one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:27 am
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What do you call twin policemen?
Copies.

 

#58

Filed under: pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:24 am
Tags: ,

In his castle the king had locked a beautiful girl. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags.

Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.

“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.

“The king was right,” the guard said, laughing. “No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.”

 

#49 June 1, 2008

Filed under: wordplay — wanderlust @ 1:57 pm
Tags:

What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists?

A: Dummies for Dummies.

 

#35

Filed under: one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 1:22 pm

Q: What’s round and bad-tempered?
A: A vicious circle.

 

#29 May 31, 2008

Filed under: pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 2:26 pm

Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”

 

#27

Filed under: animals,one-liners,pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 2:21 pm

Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?

It ended up as a tie.

 

#23

Filed under: pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 1:25 pm

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?”

 

#15

Filed under: pun,wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:28 am
Tags: ,

Q: what did one DNA say to another DNA?
A: Do these genes make me look fat?

 

#13

Filed under: lawyers,one-liners,wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:24 am
Tags:

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said Alleged Killer Whale.

 

#6

Filed under: wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:14 am
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Lying battered and bruised in hospital, a man explained to his friend, “I told my wife that when the football is on TV, it would take a team of wild horses to drag me away. I still have no idea where she got them.”

 

#5

Filed under: wordplay — wanderlust @ 11:04 am

A wealthy family commissioned an author to write its history, but stipulated that he would have to soft-pedal the fact that an uncle had ended a life of crime in the electric chair.

They were delighted by how the author coped: “Uncle William occupied a chair of applied electronics in a leading government institution. He was held to the post by the closest of ties and his death came as a real shock.”

 

 
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