None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “Coping with darkness”.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it on again?

Twenty-one—one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

“How rude of you,” his wife admonished him. “Don’t you remember the night our car broke down in pouring rain and a stranger helped push us? What if he had told us to go away!”

Shamed, the man went outside and called, “Hey, do you still want a push?” From the darkness, a voice responded, “Yes, please.”

“Where are you?” yelled the man. “Over here, on the swing,” came the reply.

My hopes were quashed when I went to ISRO – they said, “Sorry ma’am, but the moon’s full”.

LORD NELSON!!!

“Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”

“Who?” asks the cabbie.

“Frank Fielding. He’s a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and you should have seen him dance.”

“Sounds like quite a guy,” says the driver.

“That’s not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which dishes to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.”

“Wow, what a man.”

“He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No one could ever measure up to Frank.”

“Amazing. How did you meet him?”

“Oh, I never met Frank.”

“So how do you know so much about him?”

“I married his lousy widow.”

Frank reports back, “You’re right, he’s got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887, 1921…”

Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop braking the bus?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelace!”

The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, “Jimmy, cart her around.”

The janitor who overheard this said “No, but George Bush is.”

They charged one … and let the other one off.

The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”

He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

He’s had to. Someone stole his ID.

The rope shuffles outside and winds his top half round his bottom half, vigorously rubs his head against a lamppost then goes back into the pub. “Oi!” shouts the barman. “Didn’t I just throw you out?”

“Nah, mate,” says the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

Had to get an even-job man in to finish off.

“Oh, that’s easy,” the doctor answers. “You’re just afraid of change.”

She quickly diagnosed the problem. “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel
syndrome.”

“Yes, of course,” replies the waiter.

“I’ll have two tins on toast, then,” says the pensioner.

The waiter brings the meal over and the old chap happily munches away, downs a cup of tea then trots out into the street.

Less than a minute later, a policeman rushes into the café. “You know that elderly chap who was in here just a second ago?” he says. “I’m afraid he’s collapsed outside
on the pavement and died.”

“I can’t believe it,” says the waiter. “He was full of beans when he left.”

“Do you sell tours to Egypt?”

“Yes.”

“What resorts do they have there?”

“Hurgada, Nuveyba, Taba…”

“Fine! Nuveyda’s the one!”

“And when would you like to go there? Can we make your booking?

“Never! We’re trying to finish a crossword!”

Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”

The doctor looks into his medical history and runs some tests. “Your condition is incurable, I’m afraid,” he tells him.

“My God, how did I catch it?” says the bag.

“It’s genetic. Sadly, your grandfather was a carrier.”

“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”

“Oh, I sold it this morning.”

“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”

“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his guide-dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”

“The opening titles…”

“I see…can you tell me the name of the producer? My eyesight isn’t too good…”

“But the translator is reading them over the mike!”

“The thing is, my hearing isn’t what it should be, either. By the way is the film in colour?”

“Do you suffer from Dalton’s disease?”

“As a matter of fact — yes. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t see why you go to the movies, under the circumstances. What pleasure can you get?”

“Pleasure’s got nothing to do with it. I have to write a review!”

“Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him.

“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.

They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.

“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.

“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the man. “My first was that I’d always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.”

“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”

“My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

“What’s so funny?” the dermatologist asked, confused.

“Sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” one of the surgeons said. “It’s an inside joke.”

Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.

“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.

“The king was right,” the guard said, laughing. “No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.”

“Wow,” says the angel. “What are you going to do next?”

“Well,” God answers, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in.

A: Dummies for Dummies.

Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.

“Oh, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops the eye back in. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. They make passionate love. Next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.

The man is amazed. “You are the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

The guard came back a little while later with a laptop computer instead.

“No thanks,” Saddam said. “I’m a dictator.”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “It’s just a mild case of percussion.”

The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.

Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.